Anyone have a hamster???

Posted April 30, 200420 yr

comment_79069

This might be an old joke, but it's just too funny not to spread it around a little more.... ROFL

The Great Hamster story:

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone

through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush

burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have

you laughing out LOUD!

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell

me there was "something wrong" with one of the two

hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face

and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his

back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.

"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I

thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I

accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in

their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said

this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I

reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,

while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,

you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,

you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see

what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the

best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a

wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to

witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to

do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my

wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being

snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,

what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,

vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to

be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when

it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It

disappeared. I tried several more times with the

same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to

know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in

his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted

to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I

mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is

of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and

peered at the little animal through a magnifying

glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"

suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately

for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step

outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is

not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a

boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And

occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most

male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the

way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what

I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's

just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we

understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And

giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not

believing that the woman I married would commit the

upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's

just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...

its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to

bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the

hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad

everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,

Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing

with laughter.

2 Hamsters . $10

1 Cage ..... $20

1 Trip to the Vet .... $30

Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker.

...Priceless.