Pre-Nuptial Agreement

Posted October 5, 200420 yr

comment_97389

Pre-Nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree

that..

Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after

you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole*

minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely

fake one.

Section 1.01: And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying

stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and

howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2: I fully understand that a woman's main role in any

relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the

bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex

scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault.

Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night

out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled

Himalayan yak and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and

longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"),

I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead.

Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel

sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work

and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female

friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual

tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their

car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in

order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your

intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-

month pregnancy.

Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact

that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and

will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your

friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one

day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform

them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer

games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of

women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate

them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01: With the exception of the following household items:

iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage

disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________