'Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mellow,

Not a creature was stirrin',

I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'

I heard somethin' pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my Wanderin'

eyes should appear,

But dat hairy elf Vinny,

And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,

And da stencha burped beer,

I knew in a moment

Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,

And a yank on dere manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Sally, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

Down came his boot

On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,

His b.o. wuz scary,

His breath wuz like sewage,

He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,

And he twisted my head,

He soon let me know

I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He let out some gas,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

.....screaming,

And away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,

Or better yet grump,

"Merry Christmas to all, and

Bite me, ya hump!"

Thats friggen funny Carl, You eather have to much time on your hands, or to many hands on your time

A Cat's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him

and tore him apart-

Ate his mousey intestines

And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,

which made him take pause-

He stopped daintily licking

the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty

(that quite clever cat)

'Cuz nobody else climbs down

the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,

so jolly and fat

With a load of presents

and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

and shed some more fur.

Congress Night Before Christmas

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"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,

Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.

They cared not a whit what the public might think

"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,

they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,

to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.

They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --

bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,

celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,

as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.

If all workers decided what they were due,

they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,

and one out of 20 has no job at all,

our millionaire Congress decides on the budget

land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.

We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.

With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,

we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -

dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,

take up your pen or pick up your phone.

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset

let your congressman know that you won't forget!

When election times comes -- and certain it will --

you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured

they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.

And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!