I thought I WOULD give my mate Bill a break.

Enrique came home from the pub late one friday night stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already sound asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

He awoke to find a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long, flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Enrique, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious man answered,"This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Enrique was stunned. "You mean I'm dead!!!, that can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, ... you've got to send me back".

St. Peter replied, "Yes, ... you can be reincarnated but there is a catch".

"We can only send you back as a dog or a hen".

Enrique was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. With a flash of light he found himself covered with feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt a strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So, you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'.

"It's not so bad", replied Enrique, "but I have this strange feeling inside me like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?".

"NEVER" said Enrique.

"Well, just relax and let it happen" said the rooster.

So he did and, a few second later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An imense feeling of relief swept over him and emotion got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .... EVER.

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"ENRIQUE !!!!, wake up you drunken bum, your shitting the bed".

I like that one.

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

Actually, I'd been kicked out of the bar....

Seems it was the 3rd or 4th bar I'd been to that night, and I'd had my fill in the first one or two. When I entered, I had a piece of chalk in my pocket, and I proceeded to draw a line down the bar and the floor and the wall opposite the bar.

Happy with the results, I went back to the bar and ordered...yet another drink.

Rick, having seen my artistic efforts walks up to me, thumps me on the shoulder and says "Hey, what the hell's the meaning of this line?"

And I slurred "Well, it seems to me that everyone on THAT side of the line, is a complete jerk-off...and everyone on THAT OTHER side of the line is a degenerate arse hole." and I continued with my drink.

Rick, not liking my remarks grabs me by the shirt and screams into my face, "Hey, I'm no jerk off!"

Whereupon I told him, "Ok, then step to the other side!"

Then I got kicked out!

Hey, it's all in fun....Mate!

(By the way good one Rick.)

OOoohhhhhhooooooo, Good comeback mate.

Enrique,

If I ever do have the pleasure of meeting you in a bar, I'll stand on your side of the line and it's my shout.

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

He, He, He,

Actually Enrique, your joke reminded me of the two occasions that I DID get chucked out of a bar. Of course, ... that was a long time ago before I gave up the grog.:classic: :classic:

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

Rick, I heard about one of those times:

It seems that Rick had had a belly full of beer and was ambling wandering home. As he careemed from side to side of the sidewalk, he came upon a little boy who, seated at the curb, was crying his eyes out.

Rick, a kind soul even when he had ALL his sheets to the wind, slowed down and in a very slurred speech asked; "Whassamadderlilboy?"

Wherupon the little boy looked up, sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt, and said "Get away from me you old fart, you can't help me!"

Rick, not to be put off so easily (precursor of the days of having to deal with Bill), insisted and asked "No, really, I can help! I promise!"

The little boy, sniffled and said "All right, I'm crying because I've never met God!"

Rick, without hesitation says "That's ok, I'M Jesus H. Christ!"

The little boy, having no doubts that this drunken sod was playing with his heart strings says, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it to me?"

Rick says, "Follow me!", and taking the little boy by the hand walks back in the direction he had come from.

Arriving at the pub he had left some moments before, he walked in with the boy in tow.

The bartender looks up, sees Rick walking in and shouts; "JESUS H. CHRIST! ARE YOU BACK HERE AGAIN!!!???"

And that explains why Bill is always picking on Rick.

OOOhhh, ... Mate,

I Love it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bet My mate Bill will enjoy that one !!!.:classic: :classic:

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

Hey atleast i got mentioned....

The first time Rick got kicked out of a bar, he walked down the street and knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," slurred Rick.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

Rick did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened so he began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel finally slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed Rick, "I want to get screwed!"

"What? Again?" the woman asks.