Last weekend a guy saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 22nd anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife Toni. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat safely.....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, he bought the device and brought it home. This is the story as told to me of the following course of events..

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought of zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant ; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, Master" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@!@ !!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until is is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH...that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Name withheld for obvious reasons..

OMG, now that IS funny! ROFL

OHMYGAWD,

The poor bloke !!!.

What a shocking experience !!!!.

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

Does everybody listen to Coast to Coast AM ? ? ? ?

This story was on Art Bell's show this past weekend.

It's another variation of an old story told for many years now.

So, does this mean your new avitar is "ZAP"

Having been tagged by the electrical firing lead on a M61A1 in a F-16, I can relate. However, its funny as $^!#. Who the hell would test that on themselves.

The voltage on that cat whisker on the 20mm gatling gun can do some damage to a person. I worked on the Phalanx CIWS for several years as a civil servant. It uses the M61A1 but a different round (10mm depleted uranium with a 20mm sabot).