A newly ordained priest was sent to Villonia Arkansas and, at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor for advice.

The monsignor said, "Well, ... whenever I get worried about being nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".

The following Sunday the young priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he became nervous and took a sip. Pretty soon he found he was still nervous so he took another sip. A couple of minutes later he found that he was still nervous so he downed the remaining contents of the glass in one gulp.

He proceeded to talk up a storm, leaving the congregation stunned into silence.

Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note pinned to the door, signed by the monsignor.

1. SIP the vodka, don't gulp it down.

2. There are TEN commandments, not twelve.

3. There are TWELVE disciples, not ten.

4. Jesus was CONSECRATED, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his DONKEY, he did NOT bet his arse.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NOT referred to as Daddy, Junior

and The Spook.

8. David SLEW Goliath, he did NOT kick the $^!# out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he

was stoned off his arse.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and

eat it for it is my body". He did NOT say, "EAT ME".

12. The Virgin Mary is NOT to be referred to as "Mary with the cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is NOT, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks

for the grub, YEAAH, GOD".

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, NOT a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's".

Rick.

:devious: :devious:

Lost that job, didn't ya Rick!

Will

Nahh Rick...we live in a dry county!

Nahh Rick...we live in a dry county!

Now you opened up a can of worms ... trying to explain the concept of a 'dry county' to someone outside the US is always a fun exercise.

My favorite is trying to explain why you can't buy alchol but you can still drink it.

Ho, Ho, HOOOOOOOOO,

You sure got that wrong Will.

Any time I get within cooee of a church the wind picks up, dark clouds form, lightning begins to flicker and I hear a deep voice whispering, "Here he comes, now, ...... ready, ....... aim,......) and I hightail it out of there.

Hey there Bill,

Now we know why you're into fast cars that handle well on winding roads. You're not runnin' moonshine are ya ?? I thought they ended prohibition in the 40's.