1. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

2. What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster gets up in the morning and 'clucks defiance'.....

Sorry. Couldn't resist. So sue me.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. And Mrs. Rick O'Brien retired, Mrs. O'Brien insisted her

husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Rick O'Brien was like most men--he found shopping boring

And preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, Mrs. O'Brien was like most women--she loved to

Browse.

One day Mrs. O'Brien received the

following letter from her local

Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Rick O'Brien,

Over the past six months, your husband, Rick, has been causing quite a

Commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be

Forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.

Rick O'Brien are listed below and are documented by our video Surveillance

Cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5

Minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

Voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of

M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted

Area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told

Other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows

And blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

Crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as

A mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he

Asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

Humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna

Look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

Through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

Assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

Awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper

In here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

hey dude thats too funny! Mr O'Brian I think becoming crazy!

heres my joke for this day.

Clinton joke

Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.

As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them.

"I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.

"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"

"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.

"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.

"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.

"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"

"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

:: :: ::

A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him being swept away.

As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere.

"Come on mate, get in", yelled the boatman.

"It's O.K." the man said, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me".

So the boat continued on and the water began to rise.

When it was up to his neck, another boat appeared.

"Better get in mate or you'll drown", shouted the boatman.

"Thanks anyway, but it's O.K.", said the man. "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me".

The boatman shrugged and rowed away.

By this time the water had reached his chin. A third boat appeared.

"Come on mate, get in", yelled the boatman.

"No, Jesus will save me".

The boat went on it's way and, shortly after, the man drowned.

Arriving in Heaven, he was met by Jesus.

The bloke said, "Hey, Jesus, I trusted in you to save me and you let me drown !!! I don't believe it !!!".

Jesus replied, "I don't believe it either, I sent three f***ing boats to save you".

Rick.

:devious::devious:

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A: A Yamahahaha

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend so he asked her,"What's the matter honey?".

Pinocchio's girlfriend sighed and said, "You're probably the best bloke I've ever been to bed with, but every time we make love, you give me splinters".

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek advice from his creator, Gepetto. After listening to the problem, Gepetto handed over a piece of sandpaper and said, "Now, .. this should smooth out the problem".

Gratefully, Pinocchio took the sandpaper and went off to try it. Now, ... a few weeks passed by and Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio who was stocking up on sandpaper.

Gepetto said, "So, .. Pinocchio, .... things must be going pretty bloody well with you and the girls huh ?".

Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS ???? WHO NEEDS GIRLS ???".

Rick.

:devious::devious:

A blonde and a brunette are sitting at the bar, enjoying some drinks and watching the ten o'clock news. Right before the commercials come on, the news program shows a clip of a man on top of a building about to commit suicide, and the headline says "Will he do it? Find out after this next commercial."

So the brunette turns to the blonde and says "I bet you $20 that he jumps." The blonde, being somewhat of a gambler, replies "You're on. I bet he doesn't!"

The commercials finish, and the man on the building decides to jump. The blonde, being a good sport, reaches into her purse and withdraws her portion of the bet. The brunette turns to her and says "Wait, I can't take your money. I cheated." The blonde gets an astonished look on her face and says "How did you cheat?"

The brunette replies "I saw the five o'clock news. I already knew that he was going to jump."

The blonde says "What do you mean? I saw the five o'clock news too, but I didn't think he was going to jump again!!"

A fellow arrives home after work to discover his wife packing. He asks "What are you doing?" She replies " I'm moving to Las Vegas. I hear I can get $400 for what I give to you for free!". At this point the man pulls out his suitcase and starts to pack as well. The woman asks " What are you doing?! ", he replies " I want to see you live on $400 a year!".

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

^^^ LMAO

A young man tells some friends of his recent engagement and as usual most of his friends tell him not to get married for various reasons. An older gentleman who over heard them interjected that his friends were right.

the newly engaged man asked him why he agreed with them

the man responded

"when I was young and just dating women we used to have sex everywhere, now that i'm married we only have it in the vagina..."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken

clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the

event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take

them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your

belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among

the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines

is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the

industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to

fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate