How to Prepare for the 2001 Autox Season

[John Coffey]

The 2000 Autocross season is winding down and the 2001 season is fast approaching. Here are 30 things you can do now to get ready for it:

1. Put on clothes you would typically wear on a hot day. Run in place,

in your shower, with cold water cascading down on you, and sporadically bend

over and pick up something. Do this for 1 hour.

2. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray

blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into

your clothes.

4. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

5. Put on clothes you would typically wear on a cold day. Go to a

steel plant and run in place next to the smelter and sporadically bend over

and pick something up. Do this for 1 hour.

6. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

7. Got to a tanning salon and get a good sunburn on your face. Then,

put your face in front of a fan, turn the fan on, and throw sand into the

back of it.

8. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

9. Crawl under your car and sporadically drop nuts and bolts, hot oil,

grease, and old rubber hoses on your face. Scrape a hose clamp across your

knuckles.

10. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

11. Pour oil and anti-freeze all over your body, put sunscreen in your

eyes, and stand in the sun for 1 hour.

12. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

13. Don't drink any liquid for 12 hours. Then quickly drink 4 cans of

beer.

14. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

15. Drink 3 cups of coffee and wait 6 hours before going to the bathroom

at the worst gas station you can find.

16. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

17. Push your car up and down the block 3 times wearing your helmet with

the visor down.

18. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

19. Find a highway construction area and run over every orange cone you

can see. Then get out, walk back, and put every cone back in its place

while arguing with each construction worker you encounter.

20. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

21. Get up at 4:00am and drive in heavy traffic for five hours -

anywhere - towing your race car.

22. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

23. Push a small bucket over your head before you go to bed each night.

24. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

25. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the

lenses. Sporadically pop one of the lenses out and scrape it on the ground.

26. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

27. Buy a new pair of driving gloves or shoes and immediately throw one

away.

28. Throw $25 away right now (SCCA members throw away $20).

29. Slam your thumb in a car door. Take a short length of 2" round pipe

and bash yourself in the head with it. Run over your foot with your car.

Periodically stumble and fall.

30. Repeat all of the above every Sunday until it's time for the real

thing.

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John Coffey

johncof@veriomail.com

[This message has been edited by John Coffey (edited 09-29-2000).]