One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

Boo, take him away!

(Think-the two old guys in the balcony of the Muppet Show. I am beginning to resemble those guys, so I may as well sound like them.)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the Halloween Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard.

She better not $^!# in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening

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SEX IN THE 80s AND 90s OF LIFE

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after

dinner,

Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his

accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to

chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short

lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you

know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?"

He replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a

gun to your head!"

"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for

a while".

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and

removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to

meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and

Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK She

walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with

another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I

don't have?!?"

Howard smiled and replied..............."Parkinson's"