THE MARRIAGE FAIRY

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the

husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they

had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give

them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've

never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over

the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the

tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and

then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years

younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

CHANGES IN MARRIAGE

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing

flammable near your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says

"What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army

cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him

naked

When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he

ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will

you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you

...for no reason

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,

growing old together

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel

all "mushy"

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to

claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty

clothes storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the

mood"

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male"

friends

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal

you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you

when speaking to others as "She.

Two Z car nuts went for a ride one day.They pulled into a gas station and saw a sign that read"Guess the lucky number of the day and get free sex".The attendant came out and asked if they wanted to play.The driver said "Sure I pick number 5.The attendant said Sorry,todays number is 8.He then ask the passenger if he wanted to try.Sure he said I pick 4.I just told you the number was 8 moron! replied the attendant.AS they drove off The passenger said to the driver"I think that game is rigged"I would have thought the same thing replied the driver but, my wife has won twice!! :stupid:

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was a bit ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So, one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... yup, a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard, " she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better be able to explain yourself."

The husband looks her straight in the eye and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy..... you explain the kids"....

:devious:

MORE MARRIAGE QUOTES

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"How do most men define marriage ?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free."

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding

ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -

George Burns.

"Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and

the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably

greater in marriage than in prostitution." - Bertrand Russell

(1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to

forget it once."

"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they

didn't, they be married too." - H. L. Mencken.

In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for

divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a

handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice

on how to work out our problems." - Matt Sullivan.

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with

friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the

other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to

buy two separate books." - Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep

his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second

wife to his success." - Jim Backus.

"It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !" -

Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives

and 5000 concubines.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love

without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it

out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring,

and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with

feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they

cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet

always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Sydney

Smith.

"Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear

about all the men she could have married... and she didn't

have to hear about how well his Mother cooked."

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I

know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two

hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan

Katz.

"Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ?

A: The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not

as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in

death."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." -

Socrates.

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper

sticker.

"Many men owe their success to their first wife... and their

second wife to their success!" - Jim Backus.

"Terrorism? I don't give a ****: I've been married 2 years." -

Sam Kinison.

"I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared

to be married: they are already acquainted with pain and have

already bought jewels." - Rita Rudner.

"If your really want your spouse to listen to you, talk in

your sleep..."

"Marriage is the only war when you sleep with the enemy."

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience..."

"During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter in a jar

each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a

quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second

year go to a good restaurant with what's left..."

BUSY BULLS

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading

down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first

bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last

year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50

times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull

mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and

says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times

a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull

mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and

says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A

DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was

365 times with the same cow."

Love the last one.

Well, studies have shown that married men live longer than single men. However, married men are more willing to die.

A couple on their way to get their marriage license, are unfortunately, killed in an accident.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter lets them in.

After the initial shock, they ask St. Peter: "Since we were on the way to get married, do you think we might be able to get married here in Heaven?"

St. Peter says; "Hmm, no one has ever asked that before. Let me investigate and I'll get back to you."

3 months go by, and during that time the couple has had time to reflect and consider the ramifications of their decision.

St. Peter FINALLY arrives and says; "Whew, YES you can indeed get married in Heaven!"

The couple then says: "St. Peter, thank you, but we've been thinking. Here in Heaven things are FOREVER, and 'Till death do us part...' won't work. What happens if we want to get a divorce later?"

At this point, St. Peter obviously frustrated, throws down his clipboard and shouts: "Darn it all, I've just spent THREE MONTHS trying to find a PRIEST, and NOW you want me to find a LAWYER?????"