Cards you'll never see at Hallmark

1. My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire.

I noticed your cat. Sorry!

2. So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

3. You had your bladder removed

and you're on the mend.

Here's a bouquet of flowers,

and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy!

Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you.

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it,

She moved in with me

6. Looking back over the years that we've

been together, I can't help but wonder:

What the HELL was I thinking?

7. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your wife.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

9. As the days go by,

I think of how lucky I am

that you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. As you grow older, Mom,

I think of all the

gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy...

11. Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go, would you like to take

this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

12. When we were together, you always said

you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. You are such a good friend that if we were

on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

14. Your friends and I wanted to do something

special for your birthday-so we're

having you put to sleep.

15. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!

(available only in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, Tasmania and New Zealand)