Ramblings of George Carlin:

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.............NAIVE

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in . ....what happens to the other penny?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly

are the others here for?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

:love:

Bloody good one Carl,

They're all good but I especially liked the chinese toothpicks.

Rick.