My tools explained

[26th-Z]

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Hiroshima, Japan, and rounds them off.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring

sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox

after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just

as you thought.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in

the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it

against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets

in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great

for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car

just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt

holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija

board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its

course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer

nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive

car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Datsun to the ground after you have installed a set of NISMO lowered road

springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works

particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau

covers.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the tool box.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has

another hydraulic floor jack.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease

buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine

vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night.

Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt

light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells

might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of

the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

misleading.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the

tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you

may have forgotten to disconnect.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat

to the palm of your hand.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them

somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also

removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in

about the time it takes you to say, “Django Reinhardt.”

[LanceM]

Saw this on one of the antique tractor forums I frequent but couldn't find it to post here later. If this dosen't discribe tools and their common useage I don't know what does

[Shaddow Edge]

I think I cried with laughter when I read that. My flat mate loved it as well.

[tanny]

Really sorry bud that you have a flat mate. Better get over to the Boobs thread. Victor.:cheeky: