This may only make sense to us Aussie's, although it may serve as an introduction to potental visitors!

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.

Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of

foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. News presenters have recently been forced to market tourism with the highly persuasive phrase -'Adelaide - it's OK!'

Need we say more.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way

to Bali.

And there's Queensland............While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with d+ckheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. Our nations bush capital. In response to the planned city concept I'll say, 'what the hell were they thinking'. But seriously... The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national

phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

I Like It!

You also forgot to add (well I didnt see it) that we are the only country who eats both animals on our coat of arms regularly, mm emu and roo.

This sounds like at least half the people in Congress.....or on Wall Street... or a million other people in the US, it's almost scary...

"Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate."

Originally posted by 2ManyZs

This sounds like at least half the people in Congress.....or on Wall Street... or a million other people in the US, it's almost scary...

"Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate."

With our (USA) popluation being somewhat over 280 million, I believe that there are many more than a million who fit that description. Maybe even 100-150 million would fit.

Oh that's brilliant mate. I'll be sharing that one around...

In which case you have solved our national shortage of volunteer lifesavers!

Ahh, it's all class. but one other thing that SA has going for it is is that we are the only state NOT settled by convicts!

Zedrally

Too much time on your hands philosiphising.

It does sum up our attitude and rivalry that we share in this country. We all have a good sense of humuor when bucketing on the other states but we won;t go to war over it. Not worth the trouble, what the hell would you do with Victoria anyway.

Like to also point out that if our way of life was threatened and we get boxed into a corner, then we will rip ya bloody arms orff!!!!

:classic:

When I went to Fiji I found no one considered us ugly Americans. Compared to the Australians there, we were quite tame.

My favorite memories of Australia are still the beaches and topless women. You have the best "hemispheres" in the southern hemisphere. Wish I was there.

I'll come for the pies. Victor.

I believe that, at least what I was told when I was drinking there in 1965, the longest bar in the world was in Mildura, Victoria. And who would expect a tall tale from an Ausse. Has that claim ever been verified? Six weeks in New Zealand and then to Australia for 9 months, the result was a very experienced beer drinker, although I could not really keep up with the locals. I tried! Both places were wonderful.

My God, '65 and the 6 oçlock swill......

Oh yes it's quite true at that time era anyway.

The swill was the reason for it but I believe it has been shortened and no longer holds the title?