YORGO

Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' One more.. . . Comrade! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Only used on Sunday to go to church, never driven in the rain, over the speed limit, on dirt roads, off-road, always maintained, non smoker, never raced, no weirdos, time wasters or tyre kickers...

Make sure the wiper in the steering column is making good contact with the copper ring in the wheel adapter Comrade... He did not leave the nut on Now's I gots some bling fo' my grille

Freedom is within site... Check out page and 'LIKE'

Male Blonde Jokes The Football Game A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George." The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down. Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George." The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down. A third time someone yells, "Hey, George." Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George." The Plane Crash Three blonde guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon. Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen. She Finally Caught Him This blonde guy was really dumb. In school, he sat next to a really smart student and the teacher knew he was cheating on tests, but she could never prove it, until one day. As she corrected the tests, the teacher saw that the really smart kid had answered a question, "I don't know." The dumb blonde had answered that question. "I don't either." The Other Super Bowl Game While the Super Bowl was in progress, there was another, less know game going on. It's the annual game between the Big Animals and the Little Animals. The Big Animals were crushing the Little Animals. At half time, the Little Animal's coach gave them a rousing pep talk and sent them back out. The second half started. The Big Animals had the ball. On the first play, the elephant was stopped with no gain. On the second play, the rhinoceros was stopped with no gain. On the third play, the hippo was pushed back 5 yards. At the defense huddle, the excited coach asked, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "And who stopped the rhinoceros?" "I did," said the centipede. "And who stopped the hippo?" "I did," said the centipede. "Well, where were you during the first half?" "I was having my ankles taped." Football Players Two blonde college football players were not doing well in their classes. They had to pass a final exam or they would be put on academic probation and not be able to play. The last question of the fill-in-the-blank test was "Old MacDonald had a ____________." Tiny didn't know the answer. He looked around and saw that the professor was not looking. He tapped Bubba on the shoulder and asked, "What's the answer to the last question?" "That's easy," said Bubba. "Everybody knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Thanks," said Tiny. But then he said, "How do you spell "farm?" "My goodness, you really are dumb," said Bubba. You spell it "E-I-E-I-O." Fishing Buddies Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again. "Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1. "Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat." "You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?" Barking Dogs A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep. Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back. "What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife. "I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it." How Do You Measure a Flagpole? Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" We Want Two Budgies The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females." The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have." The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green." Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have." The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds. They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom. The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be." The Accident A blonde guy was having a fight with his neighbor. Things had escalated to the point where it was getting ugly. One day they were both driving their cars on the highway when they collided in a huge accident. The cars were totaled, but, miraculously, neither of them was hurt. "This must be a sign that we're supposed to put our differences behind us and be friends," said the blonde. "Yes," said the neighbor. "I agree." The neighbor went back to the wreckage of his car and found a bottle of whisky which had somehow survived the collision. "This must be a sign that we should celebrate." "I agree," said the blonde. The neighbor offered him the bottle and he took a couple of large gulps. Then the neighbor took the bottle back to his car. "Aren't you going to have any?" asked the blonde. "No, I think I'll wait until after the police leave." Shovel the Snow Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway. Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my way. Father: But you only have one boot on. Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow. Keys Locked in the Car A couple bought a car and had the dealership add a few upgrades to it. When they returned to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. Going to the service area, they found the mechanic, who was blonde, feverishly working to open the driver's side door. The woman instinctively tried the passenger side door, only to find it was unlocked. She said, "Hey, it's open!" The mechanic replied, "I know. I already got that side." Planting Trees An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings. Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them. "What are you guys doing?" he asked. "Planting trees," they said in unison. "But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked. "Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today." Male blonde jokes. Are blonde guys as dumb as the blonde girls? You will just have to read them to find out. Same Old Same Old An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He maked his own lunch." Football Star Wannabe Did you hear about the blonde football player who asked his coach to flood the field so he could go in as a sub? Blind Man A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?" The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?" "Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice." Blonde Mechanic The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented: Left handed pencil Clear correction fluid Black highlighter Waterproof tea bags Braille driving manual Dehydrated water Screen door on a submarine Helicopter ejection seat Air conditioning for motorcycle Wooden barbecue Glow-in-the-dark sun dial Gasoline fire extinguisher Battery-powered battery charger Fake rhinestones Fireproof matches Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses Mesh umbrella Solar-powered flashlight

Aisle vs Window Seat Did you hear about the blonde who asked for an aisle seat on the airplane? She didn't want her hair to get messed up sitting by the window. A Clear View While making plans with a travel agent for a trip to Europe, the blonde asked, "Can you see England from Canada?" "No," replied the travel agent, a bit stunned. "But they look so close on the map." Hawaii Here I Come A blonde was planning a trip to Hawaii. After getting the details about a package deal, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" It's Where? A blonde called the airlines to make a reservation to Capetown. As the ticket agent started to explain the details of the trip - length of the flight, passport information, etc. - the blonde interrupted him and said, "I don't want to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without having to try to make the blonde look stupid, the ticket agent said, "Capetown is in South Africa. Cape Cod is in Massachusetts." Ocean View The blonde called her travel agent, furious about the hotel reservations she had gotten for her trip to Orlando. "What is the problem?" asked the travel agent. "I specifically told you I wanted a room with an ocean view." The travel agent tried to explain to her that Orlando is in the middle of the state. "Don't lie to me," she said. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state. DFW A blonde asked her travel agent to make reservations for a car in Dallas. The agent looked at her reservation and saw that she only had a one hour layover in Dallas. "Why would you need a car?" he asked. "Well, I've heard that Dallas is a large airport. I thought I'd use a car to drive between gates to save time." Time Zones The blonde called the airlines to ask how her flight could leave Chicago at 10:30 a.m. and arrive at Detroit at 10:33 a.m. the same day. The agent explained that Detroit is an hour ahead of Chicago. The blonde simply could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, the agent said that the plane flew really fast. That did it. Whose Luggage Is It? The blonde was angry and called the airline to ask if they put your physical description on your luggage so they could tell to whom it belonged. It seems that on her trip to Fresno Air Terminal they had put FAT on her luggage. Flight Number What? A blonde called the airline to ask how she was supposed to know which plane to get on. Her flight number was 544, but none of the planes had numbers on them. A Really Short Flight The blonde called her travel agent and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola. Do I need to get on one of those computer planes?" Travel Requirements A blonde was making a reservation for a trip to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the reservation agent reminder her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China several times and I've never needed one." The agent double checked and, sure enough, there was a visa requirement. When he told this to the blonde, she said, "Look, mister. I've been to China five times and I never had any trouble with them accepting my American Express." Rhino, New York The blonde called to make a reservation. She told the agent she wanted to fly to Rhino, New York. The agent, not knowing of a town called Rhino, asked if she was sure that was the name of the place. The blonde insisted, so the agent searched through every air port code in the country. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't find a Rhino anywhere," he said. "Don't be silly. It's a big city. Everyone knows where it is. Look at your map," said the blonde. The agent did and came back to the phone. "Ma'am," he said, "Could it be Buffalo?" "Whatever," she said, "I knew it was some big animal.

Summertime's in Siberia... Maybe Springtime's come soon, yes?

Government Blonde A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task. Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind. Sam: Yes, of course. Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book? Sam: You mean the automobile driving manual? Blind Man A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?" The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that 1. The bartender is a blonde woman. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler. 4. I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 5. The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Do you still want to tell that joke?" "Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times." Cell Phone One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service. Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number. A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time. Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?" Shopping for Alligator Boots A blonde was on vacation in Florida trying to find a pair of alligator boots to give her best friend back home. She had heard her best friend talking about them, and knew she really wanted a pair. Finally finding a pair she thought her friend would like, she was upset when she got to the checkout and discovered she did not have enough money to buy them. Being resourceful, she decided she wouldn't give up and had an idea of how she could get some alligator boots for her friend. Three hours later she had to admit defeat, however, as the fourth alligator she found and shot dead had already lost his alligator boots, too. Football Game A guy met this nice blonde girl and decided to ask her on a date. She said, “Yes,” so he took her to a football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. “It was OK,” she said. “but there’s one thing I don’t understand. When they started the game, they flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. But then, for the rest of the game, everybody around us was shouting, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! I mean, it’s just a quarter.” Caught In a Blizzard As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf's, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift. So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck. After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena's car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time. "Sure," said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow. A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next." A Blonde Goes Shopping While wandering through a clothes store in a shopping mall, a blonde suddenly remembers she needs a microwave. Seeing one in the back, she tells the clerk she wants to buy it. The clerk looks up, and glances at the microwave in question and says, "We can't sell that to blondes." Irate at the apparent discrimination she decides she'll fool him, and goes home and dyes her hair to become a brunette. The next day she returns to the same store and again asks a different clerk for the microwave. Again the clerk says, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a brunette." Aghast, she thinks it's unfair discrimination and decides to try one more time, only this time as a red-head. She waits patiently outside the store until another clerk is available and once more asks to buy the microwave. Again she is disappointed to hear, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a red-head." Frustrated she asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?" "Because, that's not a microwave, it's a TV." A Test A blonde was suspected of cheating on her 8th grade final exams. The teacher brought her to the front of the room and told to sit and stay quiet while he proceeded to mangle her test. As he did this, the blonde started to laugh. Getting even more furious, he threw the test on the ground and stomped up and down on it leaving foot prints on several ripped pages. The blonde laughed even louder. He was livid, finally taking her test and shredding it. Now, the blonde was laughing uproariously. The teacher, somewhat more calm but still red looked over and asked, "What's so funny?" "While you weren't looking, I stood up three times." Hot and Cold A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was. "It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold." That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos. The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking. "What's that?" her boss asked. "It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold." "What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment. She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon." Non-Stop Flight On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class. But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."

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Blonde Cop This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification. The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.” “Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.” “Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.” Civic Lesson In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old. A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?" Thanksgiving Practical Joke Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee. While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven. When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen. Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!" My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! The Perfect Christmas Tree Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!" Meeting St. Peter Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about. The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in." The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either." The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it." "Very good!" said St. Peter. The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted! Parachute Jumping On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" The Bet A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" Blonde Jokes New Puppy Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!" What Kind of Tracks Are They? Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. Speeding A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over. “May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop. Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!” Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. Blonde Jokes While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies, "Yes." He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats." To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." Blonde Entertainment How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll Down. ---> <----- Scroll Up. Brunette Joke A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." Dumb Blonde Jokes Painting the Porch A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Meteor Crater As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" Blonde Quote I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton Dumb Blonde Jokes Three Blondes Fishing Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any," replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?" The Jigsaw Puzzle A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." Read our collection of funny dumb blonde jokes Ice Fishing A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!" Hilarious Blonde Joke A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!! Funny Dumb Blonde Jokes Blonde Arithmetic A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Hiding From the Cops A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato." The Ultimate Sacrifice There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping. This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart Clean Blonde Jokes A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

No Comrade...three nickles

The bait is some form of instant payment. The switch is some problem with this methode and the sending of a bank third party cheque and...just keep any extra monie for your troubles. Or if really cheekie... please wire the excess cash to me through western union. Now, there are more sophisticated ways to separate you from your goods or cash, but this is the basic way that works with spam-scam.

Thank you Comrade Mike and everybodie's... Maybe YORGO can share bevvy sometimes in future with all Zedder's, yes

A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? A clear conscience is the true sign of a poor memory

If Hooters delivered would they call themselves Knockers?

MY EX-WIFE, THE PILOT My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in because of bad weather. Thank Goodness the kids weren't with her. The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was really lucky.

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty)... (wait for it)... (Get your best Japanese accent ready)...... "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the obviously elderly driver asks. "You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph." "But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies. "HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!" The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another elderly woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost. "What happened to her?" the officer asks. "I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

Thank you Comrade. At othere site never any discussions of thoughts regarding rules, just arbitrary and capricious decisions on sliding scale only known by arbiter at that moment... Maybe add one more: Religion. This like politics can cause unnecessary heated discourses. "'My graven image is better than yours because mine have more eyes, arms, ears, horns and tails !!!"' So... Here one for you... Politics: Picture not political unless you against United Nations (blue colour). Or think she from wrong Tribe, Ghetto, Country, Gulag. YORGO do not. Name calling: YORGO have not researched "ISEKI" to make sure it not translate into some dirty word in Swahili or Esperato... (Come on over to my place babe and check out my amazing ISEKI...) Commercial: No overt commercial site link, but maybe if made by hot link, yes? (...and yes if oldest profession in world on mind...) Sex:...anything could be considered sexual depending on your covert proclivities I guess which may make the inclusion of the blue tractor or white pail with 'tool box' a real turn on to some, (hopefully none), here, yes? - So now YORGO go off into mine field with 3 meter stick and ear plugs... hope nothing go BOOM.

Hang on to any of the new State of Washington quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury recently announced that it is recalling all of the Washington quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Washington quarters that were recently issued, "Treasury Under Secretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, pay toilets, vending machines, pay phones, amusement rides or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Washington quarter, which was created by a WallaWallaU graduate," Shackleford said; "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes????? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?