Blonde jokes

[That Ozzy Guy]

A Blonde had just smashed her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying lipstick when the state trooper arrived, “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you ok ma’am?” “Yes officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped. “ “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….” “Ooh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

. . .

Please feel free to add your own

[2ManyZs]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune.......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse....

[kmack]

I hope that wasn't someone you once dated, Keith...

[bonniec75209]

I just gotta put in my 2 chirps worth. :classic: Hate to break this to ya, but blonde does not necessarily equate stupid.

[2ManyZs]

Yup, being one of these kinds of blondes is more a frame of mind.... or lack of one....

Stupid people come in all shades and sizes...:stupid:

[Mike]

This seems appropriate now.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

[GunnerRob]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[GunnerRob]

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

[EScanlon]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde man working on the roof of a skyscraper sit down to have lunch.

The Irishman opens up his lunch pail and announces; "Roast Beef and Cabbage AGAIN! If I get Roast Beef and Cabbage again next week, I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens up his lunch box and, not to be out done, says: "Tacos and Refried Beans! If I get Tacos and Refried Beans next week, I'll jump off too!"

The Blonde man opens up his paper bag and exclaims: "Peanut Butter and Jelly! If I get Peanut Butter and Jelly again I'm jumping too!"

Next week comes around, and they sit down to have lunch.

The Irishman opens his pail, looks inside, and exclaims: "Roast Beef and cabbage, that does it." He then runs to the side of the building and jumps off.

The Mexican opens his lunch box and yells:"Tacos again!" and proceeds to jump off also.

The Blonde man looks in his bag, and he just screams "Arrgggh" and jumps off.

At the funeral for all 3, the Irishman's wife mournfully exclaims; "I really didn't think Sean was serious, if I had known, I wouldn't have given him Roast Beef again.

The Mexican's wife says; "Juan was always kidding around, who would have thought he wasn't kidding this time."

The Blonde Man's wife says: "Hey, don't look at me, he used to pack his own lunch."

[That Ozzy Guy]

Originally posted by EScanlon

.......

The Blonde Man's wife says: "Hey, don't look at me, he used to pack his own lunch."

classics. keep em coming

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts aback, "You are on the other side."

[GunnerRob]

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your cat.

[2ManyZs]

A blonde walks into a small town drug store, looks around, then asks the pharmacist where the "derriere" deodorants are.

The pharmacist, trying desperately not to laugh, explains that there is no such thing as a "derriere" deodorant and asks if she is looking for bath soap instead.

She replies, "No, I mean deodorant."

The pharmacist replies, "Ma'am, I have never heard of that kind of deodorant."

She replies, "I've been buying it for years, why don't you have any?"

He replies, "Do you have the container this comes in?"

She rummages around in her purse, and hands him the container.

He takes one look at it, and says, "Ma'am, this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container away, and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"