Comprehending Engineers

[kmack]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four (No doubt a Teamster engineer)

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1, Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

“Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

[Zlishous]

Kmack, I work with alot of Engineers and these could not be more true! Very funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh!

Zlish

[kmack]

I used to work at a non-profit research facility and some of the engineers there were way off in left field. If you had a question about design or something chemical, they'd rattle your brain with facts, theories, etc., but ask them to show you how to change a tire or something like that and they were stumped!

No amount of "book smarts" can make up for a good set of "street smarts" and common sense.

I worked along side another technician on a "Torque-loss" testing program on various production engines. We essentially took out individual parts and spun the engine to measure the amount of torque. When we got down to nothing more than the crank, we had to have some way to simulate piston/rod weight. The project engineer suggested using lead semi-circles held on by regular hose clamps. :eek:

We tried to plead with him that this would not work, since the clamps would be out of balance. Didn't work. We slung the weights at about 4500 rpm and I've never seen another 8000 lb test stand jump in the air like that! Talk about having to change your shorts!!!

The only response we got from the engineer when we had to go buy another engine and start over was: "I thought it would work?"

[2ManyZs]

Teamsters don't have engineers, just hard working "normal" people, I USED to be one.

[EScanlon]

Three engineering students and three law students were selected to attend a conference being held in another state. Both groups decided they would take the train in order to have fun and party on the way there.

When they got to the train station, the lawyers were ahead in and each bought a one-way ticket. But only one engineer got in line and he bought a single one-way ticket.

The lawyers chortled amongst themselves as to how foolish the engineers were. One of them approached the engineers and asked how they were ALL intending to get to the conference with only ONE ticket. The engineering student just said "Watch and Learn."

Once aboard the train, and underway, they all heard the conductor call out "Ticket, Please!" at the other end of the car they were in. Quickly all three engineers jumped into one of the two bathrooms and closed the door. When the conductor knocked on the door and asked for a ticket, the door opened a crack and the lone ticket emerged. The conductor dutifully punches it, returns it and continues on.

The lawyers smiled and nodded their heads knowingly.

After the conference, the lawyers, intending on not being outsmarted by the engineers, and intending on doing as they'd seen on the outbound trip, sent one of their group to buy a single ticket, but the engineers didn't bother doing that. They didn't even buy a single ticket.

Once again the engineers were approached by the lawyers and asked how they planned to get home. The engineers again replied "Watch and Learn."

Once again, both groups heard the conductor calling out for tickets but this time both groups head for a bathroom. A few seconds after the lawyers close the door to their bathroom, one of the engineers slips out of their bathroom, and knocks on the lawyers' bathroom and announces "Ticket, Please!" When the lone ticket gets handed out, the engineer grabs it and ducks back into his group's bathroom.

[Kvamen]

A bunch of folks found themselves at the mercyless mercy of a nameless, faceless tyrant. This tale relates to three of them, a preist, a pagan and an engineer. They've been lined up to be executed by guillotine. Their only choice is whether to lie face up or face down on said device.

The preist ponders a moment and opts to face up, so that he may be looking up to heaven in his last moment. As the blade is released, nothing happens. The executioners deem that the preist may go free, since the guillotine did not take his life.

Next in line is the pagan. He also opts to face up, reasoning that he should unflinchingly face the end of his life. Again the machine is tripped and again, nothing happens. As with the preist, the pagan is freed.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He reasons that since it was good enough for the previous two, it should be good enough for him. As he's looking up at the blade, he says, "I see the problem. It just needs a little grease"

[guy_geo]

Engineers usually comes from a planet called I'M AN...

If you ask one person who is an engineer, what they do, they'll respond:

I'M AN ENGINEER"

They do live in their own planet sometimes, but are useful resources for us anyway!

Sorry if it does not sounds funny in neglish, we it surely does in french, especially at my office.

www.fti-ibis.com

[Si|v3r72]

wtf I'm an engineer .

[paulh]

...and who designed and developed the mighty 240Z in the first place?

Engineers did!

:stupid: